I tend to paint in reds and black when I’m pissed off. I’m not sure why, but the colors scream anger, rage, resentment, and frustration. I wish I had a board covered in red and black paint-filled balloons and a handful of darts. That would be excellent.
To say I’m irritated, would be a mild adjective. Heaps and heaps of troubled emotion…approaching my precipice of despair…
1) I’ve been ill with a chronic infection for at least six months. I have spent a collective three months on antibiotics that work for a week and then stop. I finally saw a specialist last month and he drags ass on returning phone calls. I have nightmares that when I visit him next, he’ll give me the socialist version of health care and I’ll be fucked and have to start over with a new medical professional. In addition to the infection, I have another recurring malady that decided now would be a great time to kick me in the face. I went back to my regular specialist and thus began another series of tests to see if a cause can be pinpointed. I wait and wait and fucking wait for answers…and pay and pay and pay and watch my bank account flounder. I’m tired of being sick and feeling as though no progress is being made.
2) My income is reduced to half during the summer. No need to bitch further about that.
3) My brother ended a relationship with a girl my family adored. She was wonderfully lovely. Giving. Understanding. Perfect….but she’s recently divorced, with two children…and she can’t have more. He decided after six months that he wanted biological children, a decision we respected, though we mourned the dissolution of their involvement. Mere days later, he’s back with his other ex-girlfriend who cheated on him and caused more fucking drama than an episode of Jersey Shore. Fucktard. He gave up prime rib to eat garbage.
4) My husband’s Baby Mama is a boil on my ass. She is fickle and selfish and stupid most of the time. We offered her money about four months ago to help her out. It was intended to be mutually beneficial. After drafting papers and spending over a thousand dollars on attorney fees, Baby Mama goes bat shit and rejects the offer and severs contact with us for about two months. About a month ago she started communicating all lovey with my husband. I wish she’d fuck off. Stop sending pictures of when the two of you dated and explaining how you show them to your daughter. Three nights ago she says she wants the money again so she can go back to Michigan to be near her family. Hell no. Why should she get the money after putting us through absolute shit? Why should we do her any favors? As soon as she gets paid, she’ll move and we’ll never see the kid. He’ll continue to pay the state for a child who lives thousands of miles away.
5) I start graduate school in exactly 30 days…and I’m terrified I’m going to fail.
6) Roughly 6 out of the 7 nights of the week I’m plagued with nightmares so severe, my body feels like a battering ram in the morning. I have no idea how to abate this. Meditation? Hypnosis? Medication? It’s exhausting. Since childhood…always always always nightmares.
7) If I admit it out loud…I’m rather lonely. My husband is a wonderful companion, friend, and soul mate. But I miss my best girl friend. She is my lifeline…and far, far away we live from one another. Time together is just never quite enough.
I’m weary in spirit. Frustrated with myself. Wondering how to transform these emotions into a spectrum of colors. It’s the only method of coping I understand, apart from shredding this blog with endless ranting. There never seems to be enough hours in the day or art supplies to spare to compensate for the needed therapy…and I think I’m overdue for dart practice.