Dear Kim

It’s been two years…730 days of not seeing your face, hearing your voice, feeling the embrace of a hug. Doesn’t quite seem fair to the rest of the world, all of us aimlessly wandering, searching for your ghost, wishing for one more day with you. Just another hour or a really good conversation or a road trip to nowhere, just because it sounded fun.

17,520 hours of wondering where you went, if you’re happy and at peace, and if you’re pleased with the roads we’ve traveled in your absence. So much has transpired and we’ve forced ourselves to take new steps apart from you… Sometimes it feels like we have weights tethering our heels, hindering our movement; other times, it’s not so difficult because we know you’d ultimately want us to be content with our lives, even though you’re not here to share in the joy.

You’re not here…are you?

Is it your presence I feel when a warm breeze brushes against my face or the warmth at my fingertips when I curl up next to a campfire? I’d like to think you’re still around, quietly sitting beside me, or walking trails through the forest, your steps synchronized with mine.

I can still sense the tone of your voice when I read your final words…feel your love in the black and white text.

Two years of living, breathing, loving, mourning, functioning…without you. Missing you every single second.

I hope that wherever you are, you can still feel the love we carry in our hearts for you.

I Carry Your Heart
I carry your heart with me
(I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it
(Anywhere I go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                                      I fear
No fate
(For you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world
(For beautiful you are my world, my true)
And it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
And this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart
(I carry it in my heart)
–E.E. Cummings 

I love you…

Where I Am, You Are Welcome

How do we measure love? Are we capable of such a task? What quantifies as too much or too little?

We may not be able to define the exact moment we find ourselves lacking the receipt of affection, but we know what it feels like…empty, alone, isolating…the epitome of rejection.

Despite the recurrences of heartbreak, we continue to risk the outpouring of our hearts…in ardent passion and pursuit.

I am amazed by my need and longing to love people I’ve only met once or twice. It’s a compulsory action…as though I can’t quite escape or deny it. The love chooses me…and in turn…chooses you.

And I hope that when I meet you or see you or speak to you, you feel the love raining upon you. May you feel accepted, wanted, and encouraged. May you always know that you are safe in my presence. That where I am, you too, are welcome.