Thinking of You

Dear PJ,

1 month…a whole 30 days have lapsed in this After PJ life. Long ass 30 days… Tomorrow is your 26th wedding anniversary. Something tells me your spirit might linger a bit closer to your wife tomorrow. Makes me wonder if she will loathe this once special day because you aren’t near to celebrate. She will lie down in the bed she shared with you for 25 years, draw herself closer to your pillow and hope she can still catch a small amount of your scent to remind her that in some ways, you’re still here.

I’ve been painting a bit over the last few days. Painting is always a catch 22…the deeper I focus, the more my mind and heart wander to the places I shut off just to function during the day. It’s where I hold my secrets, my fears, and all the pain it’s just not suitable to express publicly. The paint holds my tears, the aches, the hope, and the grief. And in all of this…I think of you.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing you and the friendship we shared.

I love you.


Ho Ho Holy Shit It’s Christmas

Dear PJ,

My five blog readers must be sick of you by now. ¬†You’re all I write about. All this melancholy reminiscing isn’t good for my image…or the dark circles under my eyes.

Tonight is the youth group’s progressive dinner. Last year it was my first big youth event to attend. I vaguely remember the first house…but I remember yours. We played a post-it game with Christmas-related words on our backs…had to ask yes/no questions to find our partner. TR was my partner and it was the open door to a friendship with him and his family. The warmth of your home, the smiles on your face as we laughed and enjoyed the holy season.

I’m skipping this year’s festivities. I had no idea they were visiting your house until I read it on Facebook. I don’t know that I could’ve walked through the door, seen your family pictures on the walls all the while knowing there’d never be another family portrait taken.

I miss being at church sometimes, I miss being part of something and I feel left out, though it is my own doing. I keep thinking about one of the last e-mails I received from you. You said you missed me but since time was moving so fast, you’d likely blink and I’d be right in front of you again. Now I’m the one wishing you were in front of me, standing in your kitchen, making one of your delicious pizzas.

Holy shit…it’s Christmas again…You’re missing out…and we’re missing you.