Somewhere Here and In Between

I’ve been warring with myself for what feels like forever, or at least since 2002, when I changed my major from Pre-Med to Psychology…and then changed it another five times before graduating. I went from knowing the answer to the dreaded question, “What do I want to be when I grow up?” to wandering aimlessly in the halls of several universities and graduate programs looking for the meaning of life. I envy all you people who have your shit together and know what job you want and you actually follow through. Meanwhile, I’m over here drinking endless cups of coffee and losing myself. I’m the kind of person who needs to have her ducks in a row, but in my world, every third duck is typically a fucking chicken.

Lately, I’ve been trying to accept the transition stage, the place of “almost”…the waiting room. The place that reminds me that I’m thirty years old and still in school, pursuing this ambiguous, fleeting dream that I can’t quite decipher. It’s difficult to be a dreamer and unable to immediately fulfill growing ambition. I like to implement as much as I like to plan, sometimes even more so. For me, the happiness comes in watching the goal come to fruition. I greatly anticipate that moment when I can stand back and admire the final product; but in my desire for a hasty destination, I neglect to appreciate the journey.

I have substantial issues with control…if you couldn’t tell. The hardest part of accepting this (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual) place I’m in is letting go of where I am and who I think I should be. Letting go isn’t a single decision I make now and then never have to do it again. I do it daily, hell…some days, I do it hourly because I want to be more, do more, and see more than what’s before me and the frustration is mounting. Meanwhile, I’m missing opportunities to experience joy and dismissing the positive because the present situation pales in comparison to these futuristic notions swimming in my psyche. But the struggle is futile at times because who knows where I’ll be tomorrow or the next day. In theory, I could wake up on Wednesday and decide to give no fucks about finishing graduate school, but I doubt it. I’m too invested in where I’ll be after I receive the certificate of program completion.

In choosing to let go, I have to actually let go…I can’t just say I’m moving forward and then keep turning my head back to see what’s chasing me. It only serves to slow me and make me less effective. Negative energies are nooses around my neck, fetters clinging to my ankles, begging to weigh me down. When I think negatively about my circumstances–like being a thirty year old graduate student and working numerous part-time jobs to get shit done–I lose the potential of cultivating joy in the midst of struggle. Like the fact that I’ll have gained knowledge I wouldn’t have otherwise acquired once I finally GRADUATE…and that working part-time allows me to be a better parent for my little blonde lunatic. I’m not stuck…I’m just in the waiting room. And it’s okay to not understand the purpose for the transitions in my life. It’s absolutely alright to feel the myriad of feelings I have while I’m somewhere here and in between.

Side note: I haven’t listened to this band in over a decade, but the lyrics of this song appeared magically in my brain (why my brain chose this song and not some rager by Nine Inch Nails, I’ll never understand) and I thought it was appropriate.

Somewhere In Between by Lifehouse (No judging for Lifehouse, it’s a good song, damn it.)

I can’t be losing sleep over this, no, I can’t
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours, I’ll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

‘Cause I cannot stand still
I can’t be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head but underneath my feet
‘Cause by tomorrow morning I’ll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

‘Cause I’m waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I’m somewhere in between

What is real and just a dream…
What is real and just a dream…
What is real and just a dream…

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Don’t be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don’t want to run away from this
I know that I just don’t need this

‘Cause I cannot stand still
I can’t be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

‘Cause I’m waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I’m somewhere in between

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